Going to visit Chesire, gig
A few days ago, I texted two old crushes, asking if they want to meet up. First was Allure, a girl who still makes me tremble a bit when I think of her. I also credit her and her short, slightly protruding upper lip for my love for Julianne Moore. (On a side note, credit goes to Activisto and his down-eyed, sardonic looks for my adoration for Peter Saarsgaard.) She didn’t reply. Whatever.
Second was Chesire, a girl I knew slightly at the last place I lived. We helped run a rock camp together in London a while ago, and she also came to ATP with me. She’s queer, but in an I basically only like girls way, a bit older, seems to be kind of wrapped up in herself in an interesting way. She rang me a few days ago and suggested I go round for lunch.
I traveled there, kissing London for its variability the whole way. We hung out in the kitchen as Cheshire cooked a bean bake thing with cheese. She wears workman-type clothes: straight up and down trousers, hoodies faded t-shirts. We talked about me dying, and me moving to Berlin, and her recent tour. She does good abstract noise/drone guitar stuff. She said the reception on her latest tour was kind of mixed: some loved it, some seemed unimpressed. She said she’s going to turn away from a record, release, tour cycle and just make music for its own sake.
Her housemate, Vargas, joined us for lunch (“This is Ruby, she’s a queer”) and we talked about Dilute [get the live album; it will change your life] and making music and pop punk. Afterwards, Cheshire and I talked about relationships. We talked about non-monogamy and being up-front about it; we talked about how non-monogamous and monogamous relationships have equal potential for getting you bent out of shape by love; we talked about hanging out with exes; we talked about her forays on a website called gaydar; we talked about my dislike of mainstream gayness and mainstream gay people and I revealed my homophobic, misogynist side to a reassuring amount of laughter.
I really like Cheshire, and I fancy her, too. Our footing as friends meant that we could have a far more interesting conversation than if we’d been feeling each other out romantically: less guarded, a far wider range of topics available for conversation. Is that always going to be the case?
We went to see an exhibition about Olive Morris, an activist from the ’70s who pioneered squatting and women’s rights in Brixton, then we said goodbye. She was going to try and meet women “outside the pond” at a lesbian night in Shoreditch. I was like, “Um, you’re going where? Let me just recap the key words here. Lesbian and Shoreditch. The two most unpromising words imaginable. What’s it called? What does that mean? It comes from a Hole song? Jesus fuck I thought it couldn’t get any worse.”
I went to a gig down the road. The first guy was a scrappy punk-rock rapper with old-school drum machines and activist lyrics. “I live in my heart.” Third was the Islamic call-to-prayer plus distressing noise guy. Before his set, he struck up a conversation with me, asking, “Who is Saint Jude?” referring to my t-shirt. I explained that he is the patron saint of lost causes and omitted the fact that the valve in my heart was named after him because everyone who had what I have was a goner. We talked about books a bit and about how he gets panic attacks when he plays in his hometown. Then, a guy told him it was time to setup and he went off. He looks like a bookish punk rock squat guy. He’s cute. I tried to find him later, but he was gone. Some guy who looks exactly like the drummer that the guy in Mutual Appreciation enlists for his band struck up a conversation and we talked about Portishead and choirs.
Later, I walked home in the rain and watched Humpday. It’s about two guys who make a drunken bet to have sex with each other on film for an amateur porn festival. I know, it sounds like a shocker. It’s actually about their friendship and one guy’s marriage, and how their bet becomes really important in their lives. I found myself extremely moved by the subtlety of the conversations, their relationships. I just sat in bed and watched and grinned.