I broke up with Matte
I rang her the day before yesterday and then spoke to her again last night.
I said that I wasn’t happy any more. I said that the distance problem is even worse and I never see her. And so I said I don’t want to go out with her. She said she had been thinking of coming to London for the whole of January and I said that would be a wonderful way to end, but that I didn’t relish the thought of limping through two more months. She finally agreed and said that if we were thrashing through some sadness to get to a new phase then that would make sense, but fighting to get to the end is just silly.
I explained that I would have told her when I came to visit her in the forest, but that it would just make our last time together really weird and horrid. I told her how I had realised that a) I admire her because of her tree warriorship and b) that she understands me. I told her that I thought our second go at a relationship was much better than our first. I told her that I will miss fucking her. I told her that I will never forget the way she supported me when I died. I told her that, though the support of my family and friends was essential, it was her being there that gave me something to look forward to, something to be excited about.
She said she was walking around on some pallets in the forest and the moon was casting halos in the misty sky and making silhouettes of the trees and making the mud glisten. I lay in my bed and cried.
She said she didn’t want to hang up. We said I love you a few times and talked a little more and then said goodbye.
Afterwards, I talked things over with my little sisters in the bathroom and they were very sweet and supportive and gave me hugs. My Mum said she would probably have let things drag on in the holding pattern for a while and Emma said I am very “clear-headed”.
It is weird that I can say to Matte, “I am desperately in love with you”, and then break up with her.