I’m Goin’ Down
So, I was pretty happy when I wrote both the first half of the previous post on the train to the country, and the second half on the train back to London.
I went to meet Matte. She texted me when I arrived at our rendezvous to say that she would be late.
[A bit of background. Matte and I went out for around a year. She has a polyamourous temperament, but committed to me; I have a monogamous instinct During that time, and ever since, we have lived in different cities. Things were sometimes great, but I got progressively more bored. I had an auxiliary relationship with a girl who lives in Berlin which I did not tell Matte about. The relationship with the Berlin girl ended because I lost interest. The relationship with Matte ended by mutual agreement once it became clear that she was not going to move to London and I was not going to move to where she lives. Ever since Matte and I broke up, I have missed her more and more.]
Matte arrived after an hour. She immediately told me she had slept with a boy the previous night. I really had to fight to not burst into tears on the spot. I found it difficult to speak to her for the next hour while we went to pick up some of her stuff that she’d stashed at a squat.
We went for a Chinese and I slowly regained the power of speech. I said I would like to talk about things. She said that was OK. I told her that I’d had a wonderful time on Friday and that I had Dared to Hope that we were moving back into a mode where we might start seeing one another again. I told her about the girl from Berlin and said I was sorry. She said she’d already known and I said I know. She said she had been angry with me at the time for my lack of trust. However, as I expected, she did not mind on a monogamy-type level.
She said she was sorry that I was upset about her sleeping with [that fucking dicksuck (yeah, it's weird that jealous anger is mostly directed at the unknown third party)] and that normally she wouldn’t sleep with different people in such quick succession, but that she was in a weird headmode.
I explained that I knew I had no right to be angry at her. I explained that I knew that a) my upset at her sleeping with the dicksuck and b) the fact I had been unfaithful to her were both born out of my own insecurity. In short, I want total devotion, but also to know that other people are available to me. I didn’t let on that the thought of her with another person makes me literally feel sick.
Eventually, we went back to my house. We got into bed and she fell asleep right away. I lay in bed crying silently, then went outside to smoke a cigarette and cry with more freedom. Crying has been a bit of a feature of the last few days: I’ve cried in the loos at work, covertly at my desk, on staircases, on the bus, on the tube and whilst pretending to search for something in my bag.
I don’t know what is going to happen. Matte told me several times that she is still in love with me. However, she has this whole Peter Pan theory going on, where either she or people she knows embody one or more characters: Peter (freedom), Wendy (mother and follower), Tiger Lily (outside: strong feminist, inside: follower) and Tinker Bell (whore).
Any which way, I’m reasonably sure that a) we will never be in a committed relationship together again b) we will spend relationship-like time together c) there will be more uppy-downy, lightning-bolt, graph-oscillation time together d) all this is the best for both of us.