In the gut
Matte has a new chap. He is an American that she met at the G20 demos and they were friends for a while and then stuff happened I guess in Belgium and then when she went to Brighton after she visited me. I kind of already knew, but she told me for real on the telephone last night. I went through precisely the same set of feelings as before.
The difficulties.
First, when she’s not with me, I can’t rely on the constancy of feeling that is assumed in a monogamous relationship because she is sometimes with someone else.
Second, when she is with me, she could be elsewhere in her head. If that elsewhere is the trees or an action or a festival, that’s OK because those are things. However, if the elsewhere is someone else, I feel like I’m left with vacancy. She says that it’s only the former, but we all think about another when we’re with someone, so she probably does, too.
Third, the announcement of these new people strips away any trust I have in her, and makes it impossible for me to be vulnerable. If she were here right now, I couldn’t imagine being anything other than friends.
Fourth, and this is very difficult for me to admit, the thought of her having sex with other people gives me a feeling of mostly sickness and stomach removal, and a tiny bit of sexual excitement. I find this very shameful and I don’t really understand it.
Fifth, all I see ahead is occasional sharp stabs of pain when someone new comes along, followed by the slow ebb of sadness and a return to a hands-over-the-ears happiness, followed by another sharp stab of pain.
Sixth, she is considering either moving to a forest eco camp, traveling around a bit, moving to Brighton or staying in Bradford. The first and most likely two of those four choices will favour her spending more time with this new chap.
Seventh, for her, I am the safe relationship and I am pretty sure I don’t want to be her home base from which secure preparations are made for adventures and to which she returns for rest and recuperation.
She is supposed to be visiting me in London the week after next. We are supposed to be going to stay in a cottage in Cornwall at the end of this month. The Moms has suggested doing these things and having a nice time and then thinking about where I stand afterwards. However, I’m pretty sure that will be impossible for me. I expect that, within a week, I will have decided to get on with going out with her, or say it’s finished and do that slicing gesture like Al Pacino in Serpico.
For extra bonus fun, I think The Moms and step-Dad are reaching a crisis point again. This time, when we talked about it, I half counseled The Moms to end the relationship.
The palpitations are back, too.